How Do I Live?
by sniggles
Summary: A companion piece to "Letters on a Page"


I don't own 'em - the Evil Geniuses do.  
  
This is a companion piece to "Letters on a Page".  
  
For Ginny, again, just 'cause she's never really had stories dedicated to her before!  
  
  
  
  
"How Do I Live?"  
by Rebecca A. Anderson  
beckyannea@twilightmail.com  
March 2001  
  
  
  
  
Governor Josiah Bartlet left his Secret Service agents at the door to his sister's hospital room, and went inside, carrying a bouquet of roses for her. "Hi, Kat," he said quietly, heading to her bedside.  
  
Katherine Bartlet Harrison smiled. "You came, Jed," she croaked, her throat parched. "I was worried you wouldn't¼"  
  
"Hey, how could I let my favorite little sister sit here by herself?" he teased, handing her the bouquet.  
  
"I'm your only little sister," she said with a chuckle. Her laughter rattled hoarsely in her throat, and she began coughing. "Water, please," she whispered.  
  
Jed nodded and poured her a cup of water. He held it to her lips and let her drink slowly. "Is that better?" he asked when she had finished.  
  
She nodded, and whispered, "Yes, much. Did you bring Abbey and the girls?"  
  
"No¼ Abbey is still out of town at her mother's, and Liz and Annie are with her. Ellie and Zoey are in school," Jed said.  
  
"Good¼ it won't be so hard on them," Katie said, nodding. Her movements were slow and jerky, pained even.  
  
"What do you mean?" Jed asked.  
  
"I'm going to die, Jed."  
  
"No, you're not, Katherine."  
  
"I am."  
  
"You're being selfish."  
  
"I'm being selfish? What about you, Mr. Governor? It's not your body, it's not your life in God's hands!" She was livid, her blue eyes flashing angrily, her lips set into a thin line.  
  
"Kat¼"  
  
"Don't 'Kat' me," she snapped. "You don't understand the pain, Jed. You don't understand that the only thing keeping me alive is the will to live from painkiller to painkiller. I just want the pain to end," she said, her voice trailing off to a whisper when she saw how horrified her brother was of what she had just revealed to him.  
  
"Katie," he began, his voice soft and low, "what about Ben? And Nellie, Danny, and Sarah? What about Meggie? You can't leave your granddaughter, your kids, you husband here to suffer through life without you." He put his hand on her arm and looked at her imploringly, tears forming in his eyes. "You can't leave me, Kitty Kat."  
  
"Jed..." she murmured, shaking her head. "This isn't about any of you. This isn't because I don't love you all. This is about how much it will hurt you all to see me decline like I will, and die an old woman in pain. The chemo and radiation hasn't helped, Jed. I can't live what life I have left in the pain I'm in now." She covered his hand with her own. "It's not because I don't love you - I do. I do love you, so much, Jed. You're my big brother, who always looked out for me." A soft smile covered her lips. "Remember when I used to sneak out and follow you and your friends to the treehouse in the middle of the night? And mom would get so hacked off at me for going out past my bedtime?"  
  
"And I'd always stick up for you, and get my butt whipped," Jed laughed. "I've got the scars to prove my love," he teased.  
  
She reached up to wipe away the lone tear that began to trickle down his cheek. "I never did thank you for the prom dress," she whispered.  
  
"Hey, don't worry about it," he assured her with a faint smile. "The happiness on your face was more than worth the sixty dollars I wasted." She slapped him - hard - and laughed. "Katie, what am I gonna do without you? You and I have always turned to each other for everything..."  
  
"Hey, goof, you've got Abbey and the girls, and John, and mommy," Katherine said with a heavy sigh. "You've got Leo, and... Jed, you'll be fine. I promise. You're gonna do good things in your life, I know it. You're going to do something so much better than die an old man with his hands stuck in the dirt of a farm."  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
"Hello-o, Mr. Governor..." she said, rolling her eyes. "You will find out soon enough. And I know you - you won't let your MS stop you, even if it kills you first." She tousled his hair - the only person who could get away with such an action. "You're too stubborn to let that get in your way, y'know." Her smile was sad.  
  
"Katie, do you have things prepared?" Jed asked quietly, feeling more choked up after asking the question than he had before. It was like driving the wedge home.  
  
"Yes, I do. Ben has the papers pulled together, and I told him what I wanted done at the funeral." She smiled. "And I'm going to be buried next to Grandmama Eve."  
  
"She'd love that - if she was still alive," Jed chuckled.  
  
"She is alive, Jed. You always seem to forget about heaven."  
  
"Well, if I don't see it..."  
  
"... You don't believe it," she finished, gasping in pain.  
  
"Katherine?"  
  
"I'm okay," she lied. "I'll be fine." She reached up to touch his cheek. "Promise me you'll write? I want to hear about you and the girls and..."  
  
"Every week," he promised. "I'll write every week, Katie."  
  
"How is Zoey?" Katie asked. She and Zoey were extremely close, and Katherine was her godmother.  
  
"She's worried about you," Jed whispered. "She's decided she wants to be a doctor, so she can help you."  
  
"She's thirteen, and she's already had 12 career changes in the last six months," Katie said, choking on her laughter. "When she finally settles down and chooses something, you'd better drop everything and let me know!"  
  
"I will."  
  
"I'm going to try to get some sleep, Jed. Will you come back tomorrow?" she asked.  
  
"I'll try," he replied, rubbing her forehead gently with the palm of his hand. "If I don't make it, remember I love you, and my prayers are with you always."  
  
"Always," she said with a nod. She kissed him on the cheek, and he kissed her back. And he turned and left.  
  
Katherine didn't live to see the next morning.  
  
  
  
  
Jed sat alone in the study of the Farmhouse, staring at Katie's prom picture. Her date had caught the flu, and, not only had Jed sprung for the dress, but he took his little sister to the prom, as well. Nothing was too good for the little brat who had plagued him since her birth. But she was his brat, no one else's. No one had been closer to her than him - not even his brother-in-law had managed to match up in her eyes to her much-adored "Big Jed".  
  
If only he had known what she had meant those many years ago, telling him he would do good things in his life. He might have chucked it in right then. But no, a civil servant's cause is to serve the people.  
  
And serve he had.  
  
And serve he wanted to continue to do.  
  
But the damn deal was standing in the way.  
  
Katie had been right about him not letting his MS get in the way. If he had, he most certainly wouldn't be sitting in the Oval Office, doing paperwork that determined the rise and fall of entire countries.  
  
But he wasn't willing to fly in the face of Abbey's wrath just yet.  
  
He wanted to serve.  
  
But he wanted to live.  
  
"Oh, Kitty Kat, what am I gonna do?" he moaned, covering his eyes with his hands and groaning.  
  
And, clear as a bell, he remembered her saying, years and years before, when she was just a little girl, "Jed does what he wants."  
  
Jed does what he wants.  
  
Josiah does what he wants.  
  
Josiah Bartlet wants a second term.  
  
"Hey," came Abbey's voice from the doorway. "Leo said you went to see Katie, today," she said, coming to sit down beside him.  
  
"Yeah," Jed said, his voice quiet.  
  
"How is she?"  
  
"The grave is fine."  
  
"Okay." Abbey watched him in silence for a long time. "You've been thinking again."  
  
"I think, Abigail, it's what I do."  
  
"I know."  
  
"I want a second term."  
  
"Jed, how many times..."  
  
"Abbey, I'm going to do it."  
  
"No... Josiah..."  
  
He took her hands in his. "Listen to me, just for a minute." She obediently closed her mouth, willing to listen for exactly one minute. "Katie knew I was going to do something good in my life, and I'm doing it. I've made so much progress, how can I stop in the middle of it? It is a sense of duty that is deeply instilled in me, Abbey. This job is more important than anything but family, and I can't stop now."  
  
"One minute is up. And you haven't convinced me."  
  
"Present your rebuttal in one minute."  
  
"You have MS. It could change course in two years, and where would your sense of duty be then? Caught in your head, never to escape again." She looked away, fighting tears. "I can't watch you work yourself into a vegetable state, Jed."  
  
"I won't."  
  
"You can't promise that."  
  
"I'm doing this, Abbey. I am going to make a difference."  
  
She sighed and looked back at him, extracting her hands from his and cupping his face in them. "You have made a difference," she stated, her voice firm and unyielding. "It may not seem like it, but you have. You have made the world a better place." She kissed him gently on the lips. "You're always like this after seeing Katie, Jed. I want you to step back and rest tomorrow, except for the things you have to do, okay? And I want you to think long and hard about this."  
  
"If I... will you leave?"  
  
"No. I will not leave you, Josiah Bartlet. I signed on for life," she whispered with a smile. "Even though you are a pain in the ass, and a total moron."  
  
"Thanks - I think that's the nicest thing you've said to me in the last two months."  
  
"It's not gonna last for long, jackass," she said, standing up and heading for the door. "I love you."  
  
"I love you, too," he whispered.  
  
  
  
  
  
Three days later, Jed summoned Leo to the Oval Office. "How far are you and Toby in the re-election process?" he asked.  
  
"Sir, I don't know what you're..."  
  
"Cut the shit, Leo."  
  
"All we need is your okay, sir."  
  
Jed nodded slowly.  
  
He took a deep breath.  
  
I want this...  
  
"Knock yourselves out, Leo," he said with a smile.  
  
  
  
  
  
FINIS  
??  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
